You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
