the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
