come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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