Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the liver wants what the liver wants
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
