high people should be assigned attendants
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
