you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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