I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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