There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
