Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
