You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
