i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why is your signature on my underwear?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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