my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
