Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
