me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
