the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
