If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
