i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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