guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
