Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
