I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
