is your mom at the bar?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
