I could make wine with my vomit
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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