I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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