What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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