so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
