I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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