i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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