Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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