Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
