How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
