I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
