Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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