im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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