An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
