I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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