I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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