I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
