OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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