i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
