This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
