During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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