I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
