i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
