this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
