Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
