I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
