Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
