seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
