she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
