I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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