Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
