I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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