just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
